Boots.  I’ve talked about them before.  But just like some dreadful plague, once it starts, it spreads.  It’s now spread to this, from Petrie:

This boot should come with a complimentary digestive aid, because it is sickening.

The copy reads “Custom Superior Riding Boot with Crystal Buckle.”  Okay, I see the “Custom” part and the “Crystal Buckle” part but I don’t see the “Riding Boot” part and I certainly don’t see the “Superior” part.  Superior to what?  I’m afraid I can’t think of anything.

Bring me my smelling salts!

Riders are showing their hands and choosing safety (helmets) over tradition (top hats) in ever-increasing numbers.  In fact, the era of the chimney sweep at Rolex may have come to an end.  And I won’t be the sadder for it.

The chimney sweep look rules no longer

Philip Dutton, always the worst offender, wore a helmet during his dressage test this year.  Phillip’s timing is impeccable — whether it’s the touch of a crop just before take-off or running into a barn that’s ablaze to save a horse — but his taste in chapeaux hasn’t kept pace.  Until now.

When it comes to taste, it’s hard to go wrong with a riding helmet these days (well, there are always those Jenny Oz monstrosities).

Bring me my smelling salts!

My grandmother used to say that someone looked “smart” with gloves and a hat.  She meant “smart” as in “classically elegant,” but I think riders now look “smart” in helmets because they look as if they’ve made an intelligent choice.

riders4helmets reports that a total of 12 riders chose to wear helmets for their dressage tests at Rolex, and to that I say “Bravo!”  Soon, the top hat in dressage may be as much a relic as my grandmother’s dove grey gloves.

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February’s issue of Vanity Fair is promoting Vogel boots.  Not just any Vogel boots, but particularly hideous Vogel boots.  (If you want to see them for yourself, pick up a copy of the magazine with George Clooney on the cover, and turn to page 58.)

The first tall boot pictured is black with a stacked wooden heel (which is a contrasting brown and Mistake #1), a toe cap and lacing that stretches from instep to boot top.  Can you spell D-O-M-I-N-A-T-R-I-X?  The second boot is light caramel in color, with a mahogany toe cap, which at best resembles what might happen if you were foolish enough to wear your tan boots and then accidentally stepped in manure.  The heel on this one is hidden behind Mistress Neckstretcher‘s boots, so we can’t see if it’s brown or black (given the trend toward making the more hideous choice, I’m guessing it’s black).

Among the 10 items pictured in Vanity Fair’s February list of shoppers’ “Must Haves,” these two ugly, ugly, ugly boots are highlighted with this phrase (capital letters theirs) encircled in red:  BESPOKE BOOTS THAT YOU’LL HAVE FOREVER.

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Have you gone shopping for new breeches recently?

I have.  And because I was looking for something a bit unusual — white breeches with knee patches — I thought I’d have the best luck shopping online.

Just finding a pair of white breeches with knee patches was an exercise in detective work, as white breeches with full seats are the dressage choice.

Not to be daunted, I compulsively, as is my wont, tracked down all the white breeches with knee patches that existed on my side of the oceans.

I eliminated all white breeches of lightweight fabric, discarding the idea of wearing a “body shaper” or what we used to call “girdle” underneath them.  I also discarded any “low rise” breeches, which we used to call “hip huggers,” and which completely justifies why I rejected them.

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I just picked up my new custom Konig dressage boots from Beval’s in New Canaan.

The pain at the backs of my knees doesn’t keep me from feeling like this: